In fact, I have been able to feel this child moving from 16 weeks on. This is a bond that I never felt with my first child, Alexandria, and that I never had the opportunity to feel with my second child, Ezraela. However, this child keeps reminding me, "Mama, I'm here." "Mama, I love you." "Mama I'm okay."
When the kicking and moving started, I thought there was no way that could be the baby. To be honest, I was pretty sure it was gas (hey, we all have it), however at our 19 week ultrasound the tech confirmed what I was feeling wasn't too much Taco Bell. The days leading up to the appointment were full of self afflicted anxiety and worry. I had no reason to believe anything was wrong with this baby, however I still let doubt and my imagination run wild. I knew based on my previous pregnancy, it was expected, but I still hated those unsure feelings. The feeling of not wanting to let myself get too excited, just in case... And I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to have my appointment because we got a massive amount of snow the day before, which closed down the entire city of Louisville for a day. My sleepless night was wasted though, because my appointment was on. During the drive to the midwife's office I could feel the sadness and worry creep in. It was at my 18 week appointment with Ezraela that I discovered she didn't have a heartbeat. What would I do if I discovered at my 19 week appointment that this baby was dead too? Even though I still had nausea, which is a sign of a growing baby, and exhaustion, I let my mind get the better of me. In fact, that morning, just as we were pulling off the exit from the highway I heard the exact same song on the radio that I heard before I found out Ezraela was dead. It was as if the lyrics were haunting me.
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
I've never been a superstitious person, but I wondered then if God was trying to prepare me for something. Before I lost it and began to start sobbing, I felt a nudge to listen again.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
I made a decision in my mind that instead of being an omen of bad tidings, that this was a promise. And that this visit would go exactly as it should. Praying all the while, I only hoped I was right.
From the time they called my name for the ultrasound to the time the tech started showing me where the heart was beating healthily, I'm pretty sure I held my breath. Although, I didn't need to see the heart beating to know I was carrying a living child in my belly because as soon as the tech started the ultrasound, the baby started moving like a mad person. And then the report: measuring exactly on schedule (my greatest fear was that they would be too small), really strong heartbeat and here are their arms and legs, belly, head, spine and such. A healthy baby.
And I breathed.
This was reason to celebrate.
|22 1/2 Week Bump|
That is until the night of the accident, when all of those previous worries began to creep back in.
But since then, my baby boy has been reassuring me that he is here. And he is healthy and he is strong. When I lie down with my daughter and watch her sweet face drift off to sleep and feel his little feet kicking and body moving, I feel at peace. When Alexandria smothers my stomach with kisses and yells "bay-bay" in a silly voice, I cannot help but get excited to see her become a big sister (she's already told me she is going to feed him and put him to bed. I'm going to hold her to that). When she proudly tells random strangers that she is going to have a baby brother. When I sing loudly around the house and he moves, almost as if he is applauding, I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and kiss his little face.
Because I am his and he is mine.
And that's all the hope I need.
|Our Best Guess|
|It's a BOY!!|
|No, Really, It's a Boy!|