Musings of a Louisville St. Louisan

I dedicate this blog to my foodie champion mom Vicki Smith.  Since I lost my little girl, Ezraela on 12.31.2013 at 18 weeks pregnant, I have not felt like cooking, much less posting a food blog.  However, every time I did post a picture of what I made for dinner(as I realized eating out every night probably couldn't continue unless you were indeed a Gilmore Girl with very high metabolism and a rocket high food budget), she was the first to tell me how amazing it looked.  Her sweet daughter, Jamie Rose Smith (who is one of my IC sisters) told me the other day that her mom gets so excited when I post those pictures.  So, Vicki, this one is for you.  This is definitely a milestone towards recovery for me.    Get In My Belly! Mexican food is a staple in our house.  And when we go out to eat, half of the time it is to a Mexican restaurant.  Sometimes we eat it once a week and sometimes we eat it four times a week.  Why, you may...

It has been six months since I lost my Ezraela Eaven .  Her due date has come and gone.  She would have been 4 weeks old.  When I look down and I see that my arms are empty, my heart heart breaks.  There is a certain song we sing at church and every time I hear it I cry.  Each verse of the song makes me relive that terrible day.  Seeing a new baby, reading birth announcements or gender announcements on Facebook still makes my heart sink.  As I write this at my favorite bagel joint, my eyes are still tearing up.  I still remember the day that she was born dead and I held her in the palm of my hand.  However, as time has passed I have been able to see a little bit of sunshine through the rain.  Despite the fact that I am a melancholic, I have always tried to be an optimistic person, looking for the good in things even when they are devastatingly horrendous.  With all of the suffering I have experienced in my life, that is the on...

The other night as I was spending way too much time on Facebook, I came across a blog titled, "A Birth Story" , written by a woman, named Carrie, who had a biological child and then later, adopted a second little girl into her home.  She spoke about the stresses of labor as she delivered her first child and uncertainties of the adoption of her second child.  She said, "And in that moment, our daughter was born. But to be perfectly honest, it isn’t when I feel like I fully became her mother." Smashed Nose, Smashed Ear Profile I thought back to the birth of my sweet little girl, Alexandria, who just recently had her third birthday.  I had to deliver her by c-section because she was breeched.  The doctors attempted to do an ECV prior to the c-section, but I have a septum in my uterus, so Alexandria (much like her spicy little temperament) would not budge.  She was bright red when she came out from all of the pushing and her poor little nose was crooked and h...

The day started in the wee hours of the morning with the cries of our almost 3 year old daughter, Alexandria.  Her sleep habits had been off the past few months since she was potty training and that day was no exception.  She ended up in our bed and amidst my strange dreams and fitful sleep, her Dada went and slept in her room.  Just a few hours later I woke up to the rumble of thunder and the crash of lightening.  I am not going to worry, I am not going to worry.  This does not mean anything.   I told myself as I groggily reached for my glasses and made my way to the bathroom.  I gently closed the door, so not to wake my sleeping child, and reached for my phone.  As fast as my fingers could fly, I navigated my way to check the weather.  Things did not look good.  After closer inspection on my computer at the radar maps, things looked pretty bad.  Rain, lightening, thunder for the entire day.   The websites could not keep ...

Acrylic on canvas, Dorothy Inman I wrote this call and response for our Lent Series at church.  This was read on Easter Sunday , April 20, 2014 at Revolution Church of Kentucky.   As I reflected on the miracles of Christ, I could not help but realize the miracles that God has performed in my life in spite of everything terrible that has happened to me and my family this year.  In the midst of these trials, God has called me to be a miracle to those around me and look to the hope of the miracle of resurrection when I will be reunited with my Ezraela again. "'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory ?   Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks to be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord, Jesus Christ."  2 Corinthians 15:54b-57   (Reader) Lord Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth The God of Abraham, Isaa...